What is the connection between truth and healing? Well, ultimately, what is it you need healing from? You need healing from your unresolved psychology. But what does unresolved psychology come from? What is it based on? It is based on an illusion. An illusion is an absence of truth. You bring truth, and you achieve healing.
What exactly does this mean for relationships? You take a typical relationship on earth. Both people have unresolved psychology. You could set up a certain measurement or a certain scale for looking at people. You could say that, at one end of the extreme is where you have a person whose entire actions, entire feelings, entire thoughts, and entire sense of identity are products of unresolved psychology. This is what you see in the manipulators who are near the lowest level of consciousness possible on earth. Then, of course, you have the opposite end of the scale or spectrum where people have very little unresolved psychology to the point where they have much more freedom to choose not only their actions, but their reactions. In other words, they choose their feelings, they choose their thoughts, they choose their sense of identity.
When you look at the vast majority of people on earth, you will see that they are at a point where they are not entirely dominated by unresolved psychology, but they are very, very strongly affected by it. You can look at the typical relationship and you can see that almost everything that happens in that relationship is either a result of, or very much affected and colored by, the people’s unresolved psychology. It is separate selves that are interacting with separate selves. The separate selves of one person are interacting with the separate selves of another person, determining their actions to each other and their reactions to each other.
Naturally, as a more aware person, you have started to overcome some of this. And naturally, you realize, or can quickly come to realize that the entire goal of the path of personal growth is to come to a point where your relationships are not dominated and not entirely affected by your unresolved psychology. Do not focus on your partners in whatever relationships you have. Focus on what you have power to change, which is yourself, your own psychology. This might be said to be the highest truth when it comes to relationships. You do not have the power to change your partner, but you have the power to change yourself. Therefore, if you want to be empowered, if you want to grow, you must focus on what you have the power to change.
However, changing your own psychology is not an entirely internal process. You might say: “I am now realizing what I have been told me about my psychology. If I take everything said, I should be able to withdraw into a cave in the Himalayas, use the teachings to examine my psychology, and gradually over time resolve all of my unresolved psychology until I am ready to ascend. I should be able to do this as an individual without even interacting with other people, because I have complete power over my own psychology. I have complete power to change my separate selves, to uncreate the separate selves, and to let go of my illusions and transmute any energies.”
And this is true. You can do this. There are people who have done it, withdrawn into a cave in the Himalayas and come out years later having made some spiritual progress. However, this is not the fastest way to make spiritual progress. And if you are in your last embodiment, it is not the most efficient way to qualify for your ascension to higher awareness. Because in your Life plan, you put yourself in a relationship with certain people because you could see that this was the fastest way for you to make progress.
While you can theoretically sit there, within your own mind, and entirely resolve your psychology, it could take a long time precisely because when it is all internal, you do not have the same frame of reference, you do not have any feedback, you do not have any interaction with others that can give you a perspective on yourself, or can force you to react a certain way, thereby making a separate self visible.
There are people, in fact quite a number of people, who have withdrawn into a monastic setting, whether it is in the Christian religion, the Buddhic religion, or other religions. They have withdrawn from the world, they have entered this monastery where they now have strict rules for everything. You spend a certain amount of time working. You spend a certain amount of time practicing spiritual practices, maybe a certain amount of time studying. Everything is according to the rules. And when people accept this kind of an environment and go into it, their egos often draw a sigh of relief because the people are now in a completely controlled environment where they are not forced to react to anything, so the ego can hide from them. There are many people who think they have made progress, but the ego just keeps hiding. They do not see it, because there is nothing that flushes it out in the open.
You have chosen to put yourself in certain relationships because you realize this is the fastest way. It does not mean you have to be in that relationship forever, only until you have resolved what you need to resolve in that relationship. But being active in society, having various relationships, getting feedback from other people, monitoring your own reaction to other people, is actually the fastest way to spiritual progress, much more efficient than the life of a recluse for the vast majority of people.
There can be some people where it is different because they have done some of this work in previous lifetimes, but for the vast majority of spiritual seekers, it is much more efficient to live an active life and interact with other people. What does this mean? It means that the most efficient way is not a completely internal process, it is more efficient to interact with other people.
This first of all means talking to them. You can study the worldly teachings on relationships, and if you do, you will find that most relationship experts are pointing out that the major problem in relationships, especially dysfunctional relationships, is a lack of communication. There is no free flow of communication. There can also be cases where there is a flow of communication, but it is a dysfunctional flow.
In other words, you see generally two polarities in relationships that are not functioning well. One is that the partners have stopped talking. There is no communication whatsoever, either they are not communicating, or they are only communicating about safe things to communicate about, like the weather or the neighbors, or the grandchildren, or whatever you have. This is one polarity; the people are not talking.
There is another polarity where they are talking, but instead of talking about their relationship, they are talking about other things, or they are criticizing each other, nagging at each other, seeking to force the other person to come to see things the way they see things. In other words, they are using a forceful type of communication in an attempt to control or perhaps change the other person. Either way, there is force because the only way you cannot talk is by forcing yourself, you are suppressing something. Or if you are arguing and seeking to force the other person, you are obviously also using force.
It is possible to establish a different form of communication. We might say it is a non-forced based form of communication. Normally you would say: “But isn’t communication a two-way street? I may learn a whole new advanced form of communication and I may say certain things to my partner, but he may just stare back or shrug his shoulders or walk out of the room or get angry and start yelling at me.”
You need to take power back over what you have power over, which is yourself, your own psyche, your own reactions. There are many people in the world who have a momentum on misusing their voice. They are abusing the power of the spoken word by talking down to other people, by arguing with them, by coming up with these derogatory, sarcastic, ironic remarks, or in other ways, by yelling and screaming at people, whatever you have. There are many people who are very forceful and who have no hesitancy about being forceful in their communication.
But most of the more aware people are not in that category. You are in the category of people who do not want to abuse your voice, and therefore, in most cases, you tend to remain silent. You tend to not say what you are feeling, what you are thinking, what you are experiencing. If you are in this category, you need to work on coming to a point where you are not restricted in what you can say with other people or to other people in a relationship. You are free in yourself to say whatever you feel you need to say to them.
This will for many of you require some work. You need to grapple with this entire concept. You need to look at why you are reluctant to do this, why you are, some of you, afraid of doing this. Sometimes it is because you are afraid of the other person’s reaction. But many of you have a fear of speaking out that you cannot really identify. And for many of you it goes back to the trauma where you spoke out against the manipulators, and you were put down so violently that you decided you were never going to do this again. But can you not see that this is using force against yourself? And you cannot do this and make your ascension at the same time. When you are at the highest level of awareness or close to it, you are free to say anything. There is no barrier in your mind that prevents you from expressing verbally what is in your mind. There are of course many things that are not in your mind, but nevertheless.
What you need to recognize here is that the manipulators have a dream of being the ultimate authority where they cannot be gainsaid. Nobody can say anything about them that challenges their authority, that questions them, or that tells them things they do not want to hear. Certainly, you cannot say anything that makes them appear wrong or makes them feel embarrassed, even though that is often not even possible for a manipulator. They want to silence people, they want to silence all opposition. And therefore, they have instigated a vast array of mechanisms to silence people, to get them to stop speaking.
Now, you may say: “How can this work?” Well, it can work because you have had an experience of speaking out, and you reaped a very unpleasant consequence. You created a separate self that decided you are not going to speak out again in this particular way, or in that particular way, or in the next way. You have these separate selves and as part of your growth, you need to resolve them, you need to let them die, and be free.
You can monitor yourself. You can look at yourself in situations from your past, or even present situations, and you can ask yourself some simple questions: “Can I identify situations where I am reluctant to speak out? Can I identify situations where there is something I really want to say, but I stopped myself from saying it? Can I identify situations where I have spoken out, but I have spoken out with a certain emotional charge that creates an instant reaction in the other person in the relationship?”
You can also consider whether you fall into this pattern: many more aware people will go through a number of situations with a particular partner in a relationship where they will not speak out. They have a certain feeling, they have certain thoughts, there are things they want to say, but they do not say it. There is, as a result of this, an emotional tension that starts building. The emotional energies start accumulating in your emotional body, certain thoughts start accumulating in your mental body, and gradually after some time, it builds in intensity.
Now there comes a point where it has become so intense that you cannot stand it anymore, you cannot hold it back, so now you speak out to your partner. But you speak out in a very forceful, unbalanced way. You are angry, you are upset, you are blaming your partner, you are telling your partner what is wrong with him or her, what he is not doing right, or she is not doing right, or what he or she should be doing. And it comes across in a way that you can see yourself is too forceful. And if you would have been exposed to the same, you would not have reacted positively either. And therefore, your partner reacts negatively, you end up in some kind of argument, and however you resolve it and manage to move on, some of the tension has been released, but the problem has not really been resolved. The dynamic between you has not changed, so now you start another spiral of building up the energy and the intensity until you again cannot handle it. And then you again speak out with too much force and so forth.
If you can identify that you have any of these tendencies, you need to recognize that this is because you have separate selves that affect the way you speak out. You are not free to speak, you are, so to speak, not free to speak from the heart, so you speak from the outer self, the separate selves. And this of course, is not the highest form of human communication, you can all see this.
A goal for you in your relationships should be to come to a point where you can speak out from a neutral state of mind. You do not have an emotional charge. You do not have a sense of compulsion that I must say this and my partner must understand it, must accept it and must change. You can just speak out from that neutral state where you are sharing: “This is how I see the situation. This is how I feel about the situation. This is how your actions and your words make me feel.” But you are not doing with this emotional charge of blame, and you are not doing it with a fear of the other person’s reactions. You are simply able to speak in a neutral way.
This is a goal you can consciously decide that you are willing to work towards. Again, there are worldly teachings out there that talk about communication between people that you might benefit from studying, not so much for the intellectual understanding, but to see what reaction it brings up in you. This can clarify what separate selves you have that block your communication. And if you do this with the most intense relationship you have, it will have a positive effect on all of your relationships. In fact, it can dramatically shift your relationships.
If you make an effort to get to this point where you can have neutral communication, where you can speak out in a neutral way, you will be amazed at how this will improve your relationships. But you will also be amazed that in the process of working towards that point, you will see many things come up in your psychology. There is no suggestion that you need to take these teachings, go into a cave and say: “I am going to work on my psychology until I am able to speak out in a completely neutral way. And until then I will say nothing.” In the process of working towards this goal, you will have to have the courage to say things that you would not have said before. And by saying this in the way you are able to say them at that particular moment, you get a reaction from the other person in the relationship. And by monitoring your reaction, you are then able to say: “What separate self do I have that is behind this reaction?” And then again, you can make faster progress than if you were just sitting in a cave. And this is how you can, in a relatively short period of time, come to a point where you are able to be much more neutral in your communication.
Truth leads to healing. There are some wounds you have that you received in a past life in a situation where you were abused, but you did not speak out against it. You need to identify a separate self, separate yourself from it, see that it is not you, and just let it go. But there are some of these separate selves that relate to speaking out that you really cannot let go of without speaking out. You cannot let go of them without saying what you did not say before. If you have not stood up for yourself, then you need to stand up for yourself before you can let go of that self. If you had not drawn boundaries and drawn a line and said: “This, I will not accept,” then you need to do this in order to fully let go of the self.
When you speak the truth as you see it, can bring healing because when you come to the point where you can speak without fearing the reaction, that is when you realize: “Oh, it is not so dangerous to speak out as I thought, so why am I concerned about it? Why do I have this reluctance, this fear, this enormous apparatus in my subconscious about speaking out?” Some of you as a child were afraid of the dark. And there came a point where you had to go into a dark room or go outside at night in order to confront the darkness. And when you saw that there were no monsters that devoured you, you could finally let go of the fear.
Be willing to work on this. Be willing to speak your truth, as you see it. See the reaction, work on the reaction until you come to that point where you are free to speak, but you speak in a neutral way. You are not actually speaking to change other people or to make them feel bad. You are simply sharing your thoughts, your feelings, with the other person. And when you can be free to say this, you can set the other person free to react any way they want. And if they do not take what you say positively, if they get angry, if they argue against it or ignore it, then this is immaterial to you. It does not matter to you because you have grown, you have become free. And inevitably there will come a point where this person has nothing in you that bothers you. There is nothing that bothers you about the other person because they have no power over your reactions, over your feelings, over your thoughts, over your state of mind. Really, when you do not have a negative reaction to the other person, what is the problem being in a relationship with that person? If this is a close family member where you do not feel you can break off all contact with them, you can have a relationship and it is not a problem for you. But in many cases, it will actually be so that you move on from that relationship. You find people that you can have a more open and free relationship with, where you can communicate better.
It is entirely possible that you can go through this process and you will change but the other person will not change. However, let us now say that you have two people, whatever relationship you have: friendship, love relationship, business relationship, whatever. And you are both willing to work on yourself and your psychology, you are willing to work on improving your relationship. Well, what you can do then is that you can set aside some time where you sit down and you say: “Now, we are going to have risk-free communication. We are going to make a vow that we are going to allow each other to speak freely and we will not react negatively to it.” One person starts, has a certain time to say what that person wants to say, and the other person does not react to it. And then after the first person has finished, there can be some time where you process this, maybe the other person asks some questions. And then at some time, perhaps in the same session, perhaps later, it is the other person’s turn to speak out freely. But it needs to be risk-free. That way you can help each other move towards this point where you can dare to speak freely, but you are free to speak neutrally.
This is not saying that you should strive to express ultimate truths, but you should express what you see at the moment. Of course, realizing that you are at a certain level of consciousness where you only see what you see, and that, as you continue to raise your consciousness, your will see something you do not see today. It might give you an entirely different perspective, and therefore, you do not need to hold on to this mistaken idea that right now you have the highest possible truth or the highest possible opinion or understanding of an issue. In fact, you cannot really achieve neutral communication if you have this idea that there is something that is the ultimate truth, and that you have that ultimate truth or understanding.